Hints and Tips - Vintage Owners

Subject: Idle Chatter?
Author: David Whittle
Date: 15 Jan 99


As its raining and I feel feed up, I feel like infecting the world with some idle chatter!

If dog owners tend to chose animals that are visually similar to themselves, or similar in characteristic's, do old car enthusiasts do the same?

Read on:-

Mr Austin Seven-Chummy, a fithering puddle jumper,but loveable and always willing to help anyone.

Master MG Midget-Magna, hirsute, keen, a little flashy, thinks he can achieve more than is possible from humble upbringings.

Miss Morgan, she still looks so young, must have had a bit of cosmetic surgery to look that good for so long, but I did hear her teeth are always coming loose!

Mr Bentley, move over, get out of my way, I did not pay 150000 to look at the back of an Austin Seven. Updated versions today drive BMWs (need I say more).

Mr Alvis, always ex-servises, usually a Major/Winco very enthusiastic, but likes others to salute first, tradition you know!

Mr Humber, bit off the wall, can often spend days trying to save 50p usually racking up 20 to do so. Often involved with the local church, or even a vicar, but never religious.(I own one but of course I'm nothing like this!).

Mr Fraser-Nash, Bald, bad tempered, oily fingers, always glancing at motorcycles, looking for an unstreachable chain.

Mr Riley, rather staid, keeps himself to himself, has sheds full of spares, so many you could build three new version of his car. But tells no-one. Only smiles when he knows no-one is watching.

Miss Bullnose, pert and loveable maiden Aunt, has spent much time over the years on the farm.

Mr 30-98, spends most of his time plotting the downfall of Mr Bentley, in the ruff he gives him a bloody good thrashing.

Miss Lancia, drop dead gorgeous, former beauty queen, but has been linked with much scandal.

Miss 328, a smooth operator, former spy and accomplished ice skater.

Mr Ford, cantankerous old buffer, calls black white, often to be seen looking for woodworm in his front porch.

Mr Lagonda, used to model cravats for Harrods, has spent time in South Africa.

Mr Invicta, so handsome, straight men have wavered, momentarily!

Mr G-N, wiry old bird, once smite seven with one blow!

Ms 8c Alfa-Romeo, linked to Mussolini, shoot four lovers, available if you dare!

Mr Trojan, asthmatic maker of shoes.

Mr SS, junior partner to Mr Bentley, also detests Mr 30-98. Has been seen in terrible rages. Often seen at VSCC events standing on a chair in the corner. Drinks from a hipflask, often.

Miss Kitkar, a right little go-er, but would you be seen out with her?

Mr Sunbeam, somewhat like Mr Alvis/Mr Humber, but a little better off, and has rather to many friends. Often a bit red round the gills.

Mr Rolls-Royce, always immaculately dressed, but smells of mothballs. Has one wife,and five Mistresses. His house has a three mile drive but no food in the larder (we always eat out my boy).

Ms Hillman, pretty little thing, has a party frock in every colour.Often seen in the company of older men with smart suits but scruffy shoes. Once drove round the world in reverse just for the hell of it!

Mr AC, never talks about his past, but is believed to have worked for MI5 or HMSS. Captured by the Germans in WW2, escaped from Colditz Castle using a home made hot air balloon. Sent the camp commandant a postcard from Switzerland thanking him for his help with the escape, he (the commandant) was later sent to the Russian front.

No malice intend, just idle chatter.

David Whittle

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